radioTANK - The White House Ep#1

Brought to you The Brooklyn Comedy and The Tank. Hosted by Elon James White featuring Hassan Madry, Aarron Freeman, Katie Halper, Desiree Burch, and Fahnon Bennett.

Being a Bitch

Being A Bitch - Not to be confused with 'Acting Like a Bitch' . Bitch comes from the Old English 'Bicce'. Being a bitch is when a female, unprovoked, acts in a mean and/or harsh manner via blunt language or sarcasm. Snippy. Occasionally this action comes off as hot, but can go terribly wrong. (Star Jones? Never got that memo.)


Origins

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The idea of a woman being a bitch is far from new, it originated in the 1400s. Supposedly, the story goes, a maiden didn't bring back any milk from a cow in her husband's pasture. Upon being questioned about the milk or lack thereof, she gave her husband a sarcastic response, implying he had a less than acceptable hoeing stick. The next day when waiting for his fair maiden to return from the pasture, his friend asked 'Doth thou think thy young maiden shall accost the cow for its liquid goodness?' to which he replied 'Bitch better have my milk.'

Then they broke out into the crip walk.

Recent Usage

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In the 1990s, American women had a harsh response to being called a bitch. It was considered hateful to women. This was probably because of its usage in gangsta rap. (I don't give a fuck about bitches, bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks.) A popular rebuke to this was 'Is your mother a bitch? Is your sister a bitch? Then why would you call other women bitches?'

Over time women have come to embrace being a bitch as a quirky personality trait. Some women are nervous, some are funny, others are bitches. Being a bitch is a double-edged sword. Although most people will not cross someone who is considered a bitch, said bitch will find it hard to garner sympathy when wronged.

"Oh, he left you and took the kids without saying anything? Maybe that's because the last time you went down on him, you laughed and called his penis 'the cutest little thing you ever did see.' And when he thought you were jealous of him and his secretary, you shouldn't have said 'I didn't know she was turned on by flaccidness.' "

Women (In General) Being Bitches

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Now when used as a general term for women, it is inappropriate. Occasionally wildly funny, but terribly inappropriate. But saying that one woman is 'Being a Bitch' doesn't mean that you have a lack of respect for womankind. That just means that you feel that one specific woman is being a bitch. There's nothing misogynistic about that. If you've been called a bitch by someone, don't say he hates women. First think to yourself, 'Was I being a bitch?' If you've just participated in belittling, berating, or begrudging someone something before you were called that, chances are you were being a bitch. Stop it. Seriously. It's not hot.

Okay, sometimes it's hot. Especially if you get in my face and do it. Yeah, tell me off, tell me how I don't do anything right. Me likey. (The preceding doesn't work on men if you're not at least a little attractive. Again, one of Star Jones's problems.)

How You Know If You're Being a Bitch

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• All the women you know hate you. And you know it's not because you're so amazingly gorgeous.
• Men roll their eyes when you walk into a room. And they apologize before you open your mouth.
• You think it's a good idea to mock your significant other in a time of crisis. And he already knows that there's a problem and he's trying to fix it, even though you didn't say anything when the problem started. But even if you did say something, which you didn't, you should know better than to start complaining now or pointing out that I made a mistake. Seriously, I'm trying to fix it. I've been on the phone with customer service for like an hour and they just keep sending me to different people, and then when I'm not hearing hold music I have to hear your neverending yap. It's not like I just had a threesome with your sister and your mom and then gave a little to your dog, too. I mean come on, what the fuck is your problem?
• People keep saying 'You're a bitch.'
  

A Virgin

A Virgin - a term coined by the ancient Mesopotamians meaning 'Fresh as Driven Snow and I want to plow that shit, Haha! Cause you know.' The term has evolved over the years but the basis of the term remains the same A virgin is 'One who has not had Sex.' And although you or someone you know (wink, wink we won't tell) might not have experienced The Elonipedia definition of sex. You may still not qualify for virgin status.

History

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According to scholars the first inquisition into the state of someones virginity was somewhere around 3500 years ago. The dialog translated was:

"You-" Then taking a finger and putting through a circle made with his other fingers "- eh? You that?"

The young lady assured the ancient man of her pureness, but it was questionable when she put a bushel of leaves under her ass to allow for better insertion. He did not complain.

The concept of being a Virgin was very important to various civilizations. And for some strange reason it became really important for women to be virgins. Why did that happened? The Elonipedia has a hypothesis. Possibly because the Gender who was physically stronger decided 'I don't want anything in any Poon that might one day become be MY poon.'

And so it is.

Rules of Virginity

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The basic rule of Virginity is one who hasn't had sex. But some who wanted to get around that pesky concept in order to keep their virginity went to anal or oral sex.

This doesn't preserve your virginity. Here are the rules for Oral Sex

Female
Oral Sex Rule (giving): If you have oral sex 3 times with 3 different people, you are NOT a virgin. The textbook definition of Virgin is unsullied, pure. 3 blow jobs? Not unsullied.

If you have oral sex 5 times or more with one person? Not a virgin. If you do it twice, and swallowed on either try you are not a virgin, but you will become popular.

Oral Sex (Receiving): Depends on the skill of the guy giving it. A really bad performance would allow for you to retain your virginity. A veracious 'hands on' attempt would definitely destroy all purity.

Anal Sex: Just once, Just a little bit, like just the tip? You're not a virgin. You're actually less pure than if you would've just had regular sex. Seriously, this is not a way around things.

Male
Er...The Elonipedia doesn't really care about Men & their virginity. But in order to not be a all 'douchy'(definition coming soon) We'll attempt to deal with the male aspect of things.

For the male, there is only one way to lose his virginity. And thats actual sex. Unless he is gay, where as Anal basically does the trick.

See. Look, Its dealt with. The Elonipedia is very open minded.

Common Virginal Phrases

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There are a lot of ways to refer to a Virgin. Here are The Elonipedia's favorites.

• Never Knew a (man/woman) The biblical way of saying it.
• A Very Young Girl- Archaic French way to label a virgin.
• Being German (where as not being a virgin means 'You've lost your accent' Thanks Fresh Prince of Bel-Air)
• Member of the Math/AV/Mock Trial/Chess Club - Self explanatory

Acting Like A Bitch

Acting Like a Bitch - (ktng lk - a - bch) From the Latin 'Seriously dude, Stop being a pussy' the term has gained widespread popularity due to its overwhelming use within the black community via rap songs and ghetto movies. The term is sometimes used with the additional word 'little' to truly demean the party involved.

History

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Phrases used to belittle men have evolved throughout the ages. During the Pliocene era it was often said that someone was 'acting like a woolly mammoth's wet hole.' This didn't have the smoothness required when attacking someone's manhood. Over the course of time different phrases came into use such as 'acting like a Greek poet', 'acting like a member of Caligula's Man court', ' acting like one of Constantine's Eunichs,' and the list goes on.

It wasn't until the early 90's that the term finally evolved into its present state. African-American youth started to refer to other males as 'bitches' as an insult, implying that they were acting in an effeminate manner or a manner not becoming of a manly man. In 1993, the term reached its largest audience via the movie 'Menace II Society' where in a heated exchange O-Dog (Larenz Tate) said the following line of dialog:

"Hey, you know what, nigga? You acting like a little bitch right now."

And so, it was introduced into pop culture.


Current Usage

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'Acting like a bitch' now has a wide net in what it's used for. From the hood to frat houses the term is thrown around constantly in order to keep everyone with a proper amount of manliness. There are various reasons why men are labeled.

For example: Someone who won't go out with his friends or may leave early from an outing is often told this. Being afraid to do something that is considered simple or easy also qualifies you for 'Bitch Status'. In all honesty anything that is not totally agreed upon by your immediate group of friends can qualify you for 'acting like a bitch'. The only way to successfully navigate life without at some point not being labeled as such is to basically do anything and everything your friends want you to do.

Whether it be staying out late even though you have an important meeting the next day, blowing off your girlfriend because the guys want to play some basketball, or eating a bowl of worms flavored with rat feces, You 'Nut the hell up' and do it and show that you are in fact Not 'acting like a bitch.'*



*Or you could just grow up, start acting like a man and deal with the fact that no matter what you do, people are going to give you shit sometimes. Seriously man, stop acting like a bitch.

Alcoholic Racism

Alcoholic Racism - al-kuh-hawl-ic rey-siz-uhm - From the Greek 'I kinda feel like this all the time but really keep that shit bottled up' A phenomenon that reared its head during the late 1990s. Alcoholic racism is the act of allowing your true feelings about other races to show after having a few drinks.

History

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Racism has long been a part of American culture. Not very surprising with the United States being built by the hands of people enslaved and forced to work(That's right. The Elonipedia hasn't forgotten that shit). Racism was quite popular and acceptable even within the laws of the land (Jim Crow, bitch. Seriously, still haven't forgotten). But as civil rights were won (That's What Martin did for the people, not Beyonce), and people stood up against being treated unfairly simply because of their race, rules and regulations were placed within government and the corporate environments. Eventually the thought process of not offending anyone (even midgets) was known as Political Correctness. With it being absolutely inappropriate to share your black, Indian, Jew, (insert more ethnicities here) joke with your coworkers and friends, a buildup occurred. This buildup grew worse and worse and started to seep out when the situation seemed safe (i.e holiday party at a corporation with 3 black people and a Korean) and has plagued token minorities ever since.

The Act

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Alcoholic racism is normally sensed ahead of time (Look Up: "Yup, the only<insert ethnicity here> at this party. Fuck.") by the minority that is about to have the racism thrown at them. The first sign is being in an environment where there isn't any immediate consequences for any surprise racism (example: Party, Get-together, Wedding, Walmart outing) and there is an overwhelming amount of white people(Thats right, The Elonipedia said WHITE PEOPLE. They are normally the main culprits, although Indians, Jews, and Asians have moments of this as well. But in their drunkenness they use stereotypes that don't offend Black people. (Style, rhythm, Penis El Grande, )* A lightning rod for this type of racism is 'The Black Friend'.

How to tell if you're being an Alcoholic Racist

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1) If the person you're talking to starts to stare at you without blinking or smiling.
2) If you have said nigga, spic, kike, or sand monkey and you are in fact not a nigga, spic, kike or sand monkey.
3) You realize you're laying on the floor and your face hurts, and there's an angry minority standing above you saying "If you EVER say some dumb shit like that again, I will fucking kill you. Cracka ass muthafucka. Now stay down bitch, STAY DOWN."

At this point it really would be wise to just stay down.

NOTE: *Black people don't suffer from alcoholic racism because they are very comfortable with the racism they feel. They don't hide it, nor is it requested of them. Pick cotton for a few hundred years and you get to be in a perpetual state of racism, too.

SEX

Sex: Sex from the greek 'Sex-you-up' can be used as a noun, verb, and adjective. An act between 2 people (any combination of man and woman actually – but for The Elonipedia we're going to stick to our favorites, which are man-woman and woman-woman and man-woman-woman)

History

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The first act of sex happened billions of years ago when 2 protozoa got tired of splitting and decided to combine if you know what I mean, haha, you know.

Ahem.

Definition of the Act

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There is a lot of misunderstanding that comes with the definition of sex. Under certain circumstances some (read: women) seem to claim the act has not occurred. If they were not happy with their partner in the act or were under the influence (alcohol, drugs, starstruck) they feel that it don't count.

But the actual act of sex (man-woman) is when the penis enters the vagina for a minimum of 3 strokes. Hence when a guy says 'I got halfway in' he did NOT have sex. He almost had sex. But sex was not had. So stop saying you slept with her when you know it stopped when she thought better of having you on her record.

If you entered for a maximum of 2 strokes you did not have sex. If you don't believe The Elonipedia, ask the woman you were with. She'll let you know. She's probably let all her friends know already.

The definition of sex (woman-woman) is when any touching happens below the pelvis bone. Even if its footsies. When you tell that story you say you had sex. All men will be appreciative. Except your dad. Or maybe even him on some level.

Note: Sex and Sexual Relations? Not the Same thing.

Stigma

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Women lie to make the amount of sexual partners they've had lower whereas men are prone to lie to make their numbers higher. This is due to the stigma that comes with sex. Society (in particular, American) puts a lot of pressure on the woman to not have sex, or at least not casually, whereas men are celebrated for sexual conquests and given praise. (Example:'That man is PIMPIN') Hence when a situation where a man and woman has had the same amount of sexual relations, the female will have a tendency to lie or omit information.

If none of the above has occurred that doesn't make you a virgin. Please check back on the definition of virgin.

Men and Making Plans

Men and Making plans; A popular issue with women due to the incredible amount of importance they place on the event (i.e. plan) that they make with the Man. The plan is looked at as a barometer as to how the man feels about the woman. If he's late, not very interested in the plan(s) or possibly doesn't show up(which would cause the woman to 'Lose her Shit'), this will send the woman into a state of overanalyzation.

History Of Plans

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The first plans between male and female was made in Paleolithic era. Before this the only male-female interaction was initiated via a club to the womans head and then her subsequent carrying off to a...welll...cave. Soon the cave woman learned to defend themselves from the 'Clubbing' and the Caveman had to find new ways to interact with them.

Although scholars debate what the subject of the first argument was about, some say it was plans to kill a saber-tooth tiger, others say it was to try to make fire. The 1 fact uncontested is that something went wrong during the 'plan' and this was the scene of the first argument.(1)

Art of Making Plans

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Depending on who's making the plans, the outcome can be extremely different. Most times people make the plans that they themselves would enjoy if the other party were to do the same for them. This is a common, but incorrect way of making plans.

In order to gain the most out of plans you have to think like the other person (See 'Reading His or Her Mind'). Women are more likely to enjoy some sort of romantic gesture (i.e. dinner, walks through the park, etc) whereas Men need not such sentimental things (i.e. Going to see Grindhouse, getting heroes, beer, etc)